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“Shame isn’t a compass guiding us toward growth—it’s a prison holding us back from living.”

Growing up, I experienced an immense amount of shame.

Watching my father emotionally abuse my mother, I felt not only helpless but also ashamed for lacking the courage to stop his mistreatment of her.

I felt ashamed that anyone might discover how my mother endured his abuse while I stood by helplessly.

At fifteen, my mother and I discovered my father had a relationship—and a child—with another woman.

My mother got a divorce, but for me, the damage was done. I had already internalized shame and saw every experience through the lens of unworthiness.

As years passed, every choice, interaction, achievement, and setback became evidence of my perceived inadequacy.

A compliment became proof that I had been “fooling” those who believed in me.

Later in life, when I got accepted to study nursing at university, it fueled my anxiety and fear of being “found out” as the fraud I believed myself to be.

When I graduated with honors, my first reaction was disbelief—I was so convinced there had been a mistake that I contacted the headmaster to tell her about the supposed error.

This was a classic example of impostor syndrome fueled by deep-seated shame—though I didn’t recognize it at the time.

My shame ran so deep that I couldn’t accept my achievement as legitimate.

Shame warps our self-perception, making us doubt our genuine accomplishments and capabilities.

Even when faced with clear evidence of success, shame drives us to create alternative explanations that reinforce our feelings of unworthiness.

I turned every relationship into an opportunity for rejection—after all, who could appreciate or love someone so flawed?

Shame became my primary tool for explaining my internal and external world, limiting my ability to see myself and others clearly.

The Big Idea

Radically transform our relationship with shame, both in our hearts and in society.

A 180° turn from using shame as a weapon that wounds and controls towards nurturing a culture of accepting connection, self-compassion, and growth-oriented accountability.

Understanding Shame

What is Shame?

Shame is an internalized criticism constantly running in the background.

It’s a deeply painful emotion that strikes at the core of our identity, making us feel flawed and unworthy.

At its core, shame is inseparable from the crushing sense of unworthiness.

Shame’s Impact on Personal Growth

Mental Consequences

Shame is a dangerous mindset, as it leads to constant self-deprecation, social isolation, and avoidance behaviors, making it difficult to form genuine connections.

From a personal development perspective, shame inhibits risk-taking. A person who feels shame fears failure, which blocks learning and prevents them from pursuing goals.

Defensive behavior and resistance to feedback or coaching often signal shame.

Health Consequences

The mental health impacts related to shame are huge.

Low self-esteem, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, chronic stress, and disrupted sleep weaken the immune system.

As a nurse, I see patients daily who withhold symptoms or personal circumstances, avoid treatment, hide their diagnoses from loved ones, or abandon their care entirely.

A person with diabetes will stop monitoring their blood sugar levels, or someone struggling with mental health will avoid seeking professional help.

Patients who experience shame about their bodies, behaviors, or circumstances often suffer worsening symptoms.

Generational Impact

Shame passes down through generations via dysfunctional parenting practices that include excessive criticism, conditional love, or emotional neglect.

Unhealthy communication patterns reinforce feelings of unworthiness.

The overall emotional atmosphere in the family shapes how children develop their sense of self-worth and their place in the world later in life.

The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

There is an important distinction between guilt and shame.

Guilt focuses on specific actions (“I did something wrong”), while shame attacks identity (“I am inherently wrong”).

When I get triggered, shame attacks my core identity, and a feeling of being flawed clouds my judgment.

In contrast, when I feel guilt, I can see clearly that I need to change and improve.

I’ve found shame to be destructive because it decreases my motivation to change.

Healthy guilt, despite its momentary discomfort, serves a valuable purpose in my life.

The discomfort I feel comes from having acted in a way that violates my personal values or harms someone else.

This signals to me I need to make amends, learn from my mistakes, and ultimately, become a better version of myself.

I’ve learned that healthy guilt is a constructive form of remorse that focuses on my specific actions rather than finding flaws in my identity.

I recognize I’m experiencing guilt when I feel driven to take responsibility for my actions.

Unlike shame, which attacks who I am, healthy guilt drives me to correct my mistakes because I want to, not because I feel ashamed of myself.

Healthy guilt is based on genuine remorse. It’s specific, proportionate, and temporary. It’s quickly resolved when we take action and strengthens relationships.

Shame paralyzes. It is toxic. It’s important to address because it creates a self-reinforcing cycle that’s difficult to break.

A better way to live is to hold ourselves and others accountable by providing the support needed to rebuild trust.

Can Shame Serve a Positive Purpose?

Historically, shame has been used as a social tool for maintaining order and getting individuals with different ideas and mental models to fall in line.

Today, we have proof that it does not foster positive change.

Research by Brené Brown and June Tangney shows that shame-based approaches to changing behavior backfires.

It produces the opposite effect of what was intended, leading to social withdrawal and increasing the likelihood of destructive behaviors.

Shame fuels feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which are central to poor mental health, including depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

When shame persists, it festers like a wound, poisoning our mental well-being and exacerbating existing problems.

To cope with the pain of shame, many of us turn to substance abuse or other self-destructive behaviors.

Living life through the lens of shame drives negative self-talk and self-criticism. This consumes so much of our mental and emotional capacity that we neglect our physical and mental health.

When experiencing shame, we don’t feel safe, leading us to avoid the emotions necessary for learning and personal growth.

When we feel unworthy of love and belonging, we withdraw from what we need most: deep connection with others.

Shame creates a self-fulfilling prophecy—where the fear of rejection leads to reactions and behaviors that end up pushing others away.

The ONLY time shame—not to be confused with guilt—can be positive is when we use it for self-reflection and mindfulness to cultivate self-compassion.

Is Shame Learned or Innate?

We learn shame through our experiences, relationships, and cultural conditioning.

It develops through repeated exposure to messages, reactions, and situations that tell us: “You are not good enough, you are flawed and unworthy.”

Starting in early childhood, experiences set the tone for how we experience shame later in life.

When children face judgmental parents and teachers and subtle messages of disapproval, they internalize feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

Constant criticism of normal developmental mistakes that children naturally make creates a deep-rooted belief that they are not good enough.

Relationships with peers and those important to us also play a crucial role.

Consistent rejection, bullying, or social exclusion will make us feel ashamed of who we are.

Conversely, accepting relationships foster a sense of belonging and protect against shame.

Cultural and societal expectations also contribute to shame. Certain cultures and religions place a strong emphasis on conformity, obedience, or specific physical appearances.

Historically, we depended on group acceptance for survival and therefore evolved as social creatures with a profound need for acceptance and social belonging—one so fundamental that we will choose to experience shame rather than face rejection.

Negative or harmful messages from others are absorbed into our self-image and internal dialogue, leading to self-criticism, self-doubt, and shame.

The voice in our head feels so real and convincing that we believe these negative versions of ourselves, even when they aren’t based in reality.

Specific shaming experiences and isolated incidents of humiliation, embarrassment, or betrayal create lasting emotional triggers that, if not dealt with, reinforce feelings of unworthiness.

Why is Shame So Deeply Rooted and Persistent?

Shame is challenging to overcome because it becomes embedded in our neural pathways early in life, creating deep-seated complex emotional reactions.

We’d rather dance with the devil we know—shame—than face the unfamiliar.

I have met countless students who feel ashamed about experiencing shame. This creates a difficult cycle that reinforces shame-based thinking.

Unlike simpler emotions, shame involves networks of memories, beliefs, and behavioral patterns that become merged together in a complex way that makes separation difficult.

These elements are so deeply intertwined with our sense of self that it becomes nearly impossible to focus on anything other than shame.

Even after I recognized shame’s harmful effects, it was still painful to change my relationship to it.

Shame persists by deceiving us into believing we are inherently unworthy—an impossible state of being.

While we may hold different values or pursue different goals in life, these differences don’t affect our fundamental worth as human beings.

I know this idea directly challenges shame’s core message, but it’s crucial to understand that shame works by deceiving us into believing our worth can be diminished or lost.

For many years, I clung to this limiting and destructive belief.

My worth cannot be diminished or erased by anyone or anything without my permission.

Shame is not about worthiness, but about distorted perception.

The way I viewed and understood myself, particularly in relation to shame and self-worth, was based on an inaccurate and harmful self-image.

Understanding this truth about shame has been a powerful antidote to its destructive narrative and a crucial step in developing a healthier self-perception.

Can Shame be Eliminated?

To completely exclude, or eliminate, even something as crippling as shame, is an act of resistance.

What we resist persists.

In our attempts to eliminate or remove shame, it creates more suffering.

Rather than eliminating shame entirely, I focus on understanding and transforming my relationship with it.

Shame is a response, and any responses can always become healthier.

I started by practicing emotional awareness of my shame triggers every day for two years and journaling the process.

The first thing I noticed was a lack of self-compassion and a resistance to unlearn shame.

Why? Because I had been using shame as an excuse to avoid uncomfortable situations throughout my life.

Shame acts as a dark prison, where we are trapped and restricted from experiencing personal development and growth.

Different Types of Shame

Internal Shame

• Self-directed feelings of unworthiness or thinking we are not good enough.
• Perceive personal failures, even when we haven’t failed.

External Shame

• Fear of others’ negative judgments.
• Social expectations we feel we haven’t fulfilled.

Performance Shame

• This is the type of shame related to work, academics, or achievements.
• Fear of being “exposed” as incompetent.

Body Shame

• Feelings about physical appearance
• Worries and negative feelings about our physical health status or functional capabilities

Social Shame

• The fear of rejection and social exclusion, connected to relationships and social status, often tied to cultural and family expectations

Understanding the Difference Between Embarrassment and Shame

While embarrassment and shame may seem similar, they differ in several key ways.

Duration and Impact

• Embarrassment is temporary and situation-specific
• Shame lasts longer and has a deeper emotional impact

Embarrassment is a natural part of how we learn in social situations, while shame causes deeper damage to how we see ourselves.

Nature of the Feeling

• Embarrassment is tied to specific social situations or actions
• Shame questions a person’s fundamental self-worth

The fundamental difference between embarrassment and shame is that embarrassment is situational and specific, and shame affects our core identity.

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Recovery

• Embarrassment can eventually be laughed about
• Shame is more persistent and harder to process lightly

While embarrassment allows for quicker, lighter recovery, shame requires a longer, more difficult healing process.

Can shame survive in the presence of acceptance?

According to research by Dr. Kristin Neff and Dr. Brené Brown , genuine acceptance – both self-acceptance and acceptance from others – significantly diminish shame’s power.

A 2018 study in the Journal of Counseling Psychology found that self-compassion interventions reduced shame by 43% among participants.

In psychological interventions, reductions of 20-30% are typically considered meaningful, so a 43% reduction represents a substantial improvement.

Why acceptance matters

Acceptance means seeing things exactly as they are.

It means letting go of the truth—the facts and reality—no matter what they are, and only focus on what moves you forward.

Things are as they are—we can accept this reality while actively working to improve what’s within our power to change.

Acceptance challenges shame’s core message

• While shame says ” You are not worthy,” acceptance declare and validate our inherent worth
• Acceptance provides a counter-narrative to shame’s destructive beliefs

Acceptance Creates Resilience and Growth

• Acceptance creates a safe environment for vulnerability and authentic self-expression
• Acceptance makes us less vulnerable to shame and better equipped to handle situations that trigger it.

Overcoming shame through acceptance is a gradual process and cannot be done in the presence of judgmental individuals.

Change driven by shame leads to failure, even when we “succeed,” while a compassionate approach to change paves the way for success.

Compassionate Mind Training teaches us that deeply ingrained shame patterns will initially resist acceptance, requiring consistent practice, patience, and support to rewire these emotional responses.

Envisioning a Future Without Shame: What Could Change?

A society with an overall reduced shame would bring significant positive changes, especially lower rates of anxiety and self-destructive and numbing behaviors.

More authentic relationships and deeper interpersonal bonds driven by empathy, compassion and cultural acceptance.

More open dialogue and knowledge sharing, leading to enhanced innovation and creativity.

Greater willingness to take risks and learn from failures at both personal and societal levels.

Higher collective self-esteem and confidence.

More effective problem-solving at both individual and societal levels

Transitioning from a shame-based society to a compassionate one requires systemic changes in education and parenting practices.

We need to change thinking, rules and systems that keep feeding shame and focus on emotional intelligence and self-compassion, rather than monetary values.

Closing Thoughts

Shame often operates below our conscious awareness, silently influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

The voice of shame in our minds feels authentic and persuasive, even when it contradicts reality.

Shame isn’t based on facts—it’s an emotional process, a personal interpretation shaped by our feelings.

Shame divides and isolates us. As it passes down through generations, we learn to bury it deep inside, where it festers and corrupts the precious spaces meant for self-esteem, dignity, and vulnerability.

It lurks behind anger, whispers through comparisons, and screams through destructive behaviors. It leaves us bitter and guarded, cutting us off from authentic living and genuine connection.

I’ve felt this shame. I allowed it to convince me there was something wrong with me, letting it control and define me.

Breaking free from shame’s grip demanded a daily commitment to emotional work that spanned several years.

To improve my life, first I had to improve my relationships with myself.

The process of healing and recovery began by identifying the root causes and triggers of my shame.

Shame cannot survive when met with genuine acceptance.

Accepting all parts of myself, even the most uncomfortable ones, is the only way forward.

Being able to embrace every aspect of who I am has led to deeper self-awareness and authentic growth.

How does shame show up in your daily life? What specific situations trigger it, and what stories do you tell yourself in those moments?

Write down your observations. Notice not just what triggers the shame, but how your body feels, what thoughts arise, and most importantly – how you treat yourself in these moments.

What would change if you met these same situations with self-compassion instead of shame?

Thank you for reading!

If you found value in my writing, please share it with others.

My mission is to add value and make a positive change in the world, and your support means a lot.

If you Like to reach out, email me at:

carlosvettorazzi@gmail.com

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Refrences:

Tangney, J. P. (1999). The self-conscious emotions: Shame, guilt, embarrassment and pride. In T. Dalgleish & M. J. Power (Eds.), Handbook of cognition and emotion

https://doi.org/10.1002/0470013494.ch26

Babcock, M. K., & Sabini, J. (1990). On differentiating embarrassment from shame. European Journal of Social Psychology, 20(2), 151–169. 

https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2420200206

Dolezal, L. (2022). The Horizons of Chronic Shame. Human Studies 

https://doi.org/10.1007/s10746-022-09645-3

Kammerer, A. (2019). The Scientific Underpinnings and Impacts of Shame. Behavior & Society. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-scientific-underpinnings-and-impacts-of-shame/

Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2018). Reconsidering the Differences Between Shame and Guilt. Europe’s journal of psychology, 14(3), 710–733. https://doi.org/10.5964/ejop.v14i3.1564